Friday, September 6, 2013

A Declaration to the Horrors of R.H.S.

   Years ago a friend of mine accidentally punched someone in the face and declared it to be a dreadful accident, caused by her retarded hand syndrome, otherwise known as R.H.S.  Of course, I wasn't being particularly intelligent and I assumed R.H.S. was real.  Later I realized it was a joke.  However, I've come to realize in the coming months that R.H.S. actually is real, and it's a cruel, terrible disease that's severely contagious.  Ridiculous hand motions became popular to do among my friends, and doing these monstrous movements probably made us look like a bunch of depressive and deranged kids trying to be compsognathuses.

   R.H.S. evolved into more than just an excuse for punching someone in the face.  Different varieties of the anomaly developed, soon there was Graceful Retarded Hand Syndrome, Spaztic Retarded Hand Syndrome, Gentle Retarded Hand Syndrome, and even Weather Predicting Retarded Hand Syndrome.  It went from a disorder, to a full-blown disease, and it even became its own language - how long would it take for this abomination to become its own culture?

  Symptoms that you may be obtaining R.H.S. are that you may have raptor-induced qualities about your phalanges, and they will take upon demented forms that are simply indescribable.

   The motion of the phalanges alone is terrifying to behold, and is sure to destroy the slumbers of even the bravest of people.  If you believe you have R.H.S. you may be wondering how bad it is, what stage you're at, and if it's possible to go back.  There are three stages to R.H.S.  The first being the strange hand positions.  Secondly, you are in stage two if you violently flail about.  Thirdly, if you've come to the point of attacking people, it is too late for you.


  If however, you are only in stage one, you can be saved and I beg you to find a doctor and get it checked out A.S.A.P.  If your R.H.S. has developed you are doomed and will possibly die in the near future.  R.H.S. is really just the first steps to a full-blown zombie apocalypse, so it's important to get treatment if you believe you are suffering from any symptoms of R.H.S.